Letting go

Have you been in a situation where you just need to let go. Wether it be your opinion, in an argument, your right to sanity, or a tricky breakup with someone you thought was your person, Because same. Let's be real I'm not someone that let's go easily. I am a determined person, I also hold onto ALOT of stuff. Some by choice but not usually. Letting go is hard, . Once you actually let of of the pain, anger, or excitement, happiness, whatever the feeling that situation gave you. Letting go is not easy, Cause what happens after you let go? what replaces it? does letting go mean that you forgive them? In my eyes no it doesn't. However recently I have come to learn that Letting go is apart of healing so you can move on. So that something better can fill that space in your heart.

Im sitting here choosing my random verse out of Carolanne Miljavac ( had to grab the book to spell it)3 minute devotions and one that I randomly choose is letting go. I like to randomly let my fingers glide on the fore edge and stop when my instincts say stop. I will read both sides and decide which one was truly meant for me to read. Today was Letting go.

The verse goes as so “ All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Advocate, The hols Spirit, whose the Father will send in my name, Will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.” John 14:25 -27

Honestly Carolanne makes it sounds easy to let go, although we all know (including her) that it isn’t true. She explain how we have to trust that go Jesus will send a Holy Spirit to file the holes in our heart from letting go. If your anything like me our past trauma has told us trust is 100% earned and from where I am standing Jesus hasn’t done much to instill my trust. With that being said I’m willing to try. I mean nothing else has worked from releasing me from this hatred and pain I feel. The pain that has been passed down to me from no one listening to me, no one allowing themselves to trust me. Always turning to me for advice and answers and then doing the opposite. The anger, Anger of you letting me down, for making me grow up faster that needed, for you not realizing the damage you have caused then blaming everyone else but yourself. You think you are the voice of reason. That you have this unknown source of insight and wisdom. You don’t, you can’t even take care of yourself or your relationships. You can’t take responsibility of your actions that you have done to destroy our family. The lack of effort you put into our family. You stated that as long as we were fed and housed we were happy, what a load of garbage. Your job as a mother is to provide for us, that what you agreed to once you decided to keep us. You responsibility as a mother was to care for us, emotionally and mentally. You were suppose to show up and be there for us. Sure you made an attempt until we hit Jr high. The moment we hit Jr. High you decided you no longer needed to be our mother. You just needed to provide a house and food. I was 11 when I went into jr high. Not even emotionally capable of processing that and you disappeared. You decided that your life started that very moment and you didn’t have to worry about me. I was responsible enough. Again I was 11! Still learning how to regulate my emotions, as new emotions came up and you were no where. Sorry that’s incorrect, you were with w.e boy toy you had that week. It’s funny, My entire adolescent life I felt guilty. For not being able to keep you grounded, not being able to keep you in line, I think of this now and think what is wrong with me. I then have to realize that nothing is wrong with ME, it is you. Honestly I do not care what ppl think about my thoughts of you, But I need to say you were a shitty mother once I hit JR. high. You just gave up. You stopped trying. You didn’t let us in, you kept us at a distance and you left us, almost every single weekend. I was about 13 at this age. Then it just got worse, You grew further away. I decided I hated you. Still do. I didn’t trust my daughter, YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER with you over night until she was 2. You made a lot of poor choices. A lot of bad decisions, Im not ready to forgive you. I don’t think I can yet. I still have so much Hatred and pain behind those years. SO much Trauma. However I am ready to let you go. Let go of what I thought a mother was suppose to be. Let go of the disappointment you gave me of many, many years. Let go of the idealism that I thought we had a good childhood. BTW we didn’t. Let go of the pain you have caused me over and over again throughout many many years, The pain I felt as I cried when you said “ I hate you”. You know who was there and always is, My husband. The one that you call a narcissist ( plot twist She is actually the narcissist), the one that you said wasn’t good enough for me, cause you knew what a good relationship was, The one that has been by my side through thick and thin.

So today right here, as I type this Im letting you go, Letting go of what I hoped you were, what I WANTED you to be. Letting go of the pain, hatred, disappointment, and most of all every time you let me down. Im moving on. Im no longer going to relish in what I hoped my childhood could be. Jesus Im letting you take the wheel to fill those holes with some holy spirits. Im moving on in my life. You should too.