4 Easy steps to cut out the toxic in your life

We all have someone that is no good for us, whether we realize it or not. That toxic person that holds us back. For me it was my mother. My own mother, I'm sure I'm not the only one with a toxic mother. Whether it be your Mother, Brother, Sister, Father, or simply the person you thought was the "one" you have found yourself to this blog asking for change. Asking yourself how do I fix this? How do I help them? Short answer, you don't.

When I was 12 years old I became responsible for my brother. He was 6. I was 12. I had to pick him up from daycare, walk home with him, and watch him. Sometimes I had to cook supper for him. My mother was a single mother, Never married with 3 kids. She worked full-time to provide all our basic needs to live. That's a lot on her plate. I understood that at the time. So like a good daughter I helped out, to make life easier for her. I saw the amount of work and effort at that time she was putting in to provide for us. However, eventually she expected it of me. Even if I wanted to be a kid and have a sleepover I still had to be there for my brother. It was now a expectation, not me just being a good daughter. People will take advantage of you when they start expecting you to help them instead of simply asking you for help.

You might be thinking to yourself. Well every child needs to help their mother where they can it doesnt sound that bad. Sure at that time it wasn't untill one day where, according to my mother I made a mistake. One weekday during summer, my mother decided that I can take care of my brother instead of him going to daycare. I was 12 or 13 at the time, I just wanted to hang out with my friends not have to watch my little brother. However I watched him that day. We went to the park with my friends, like any other child would do. 10 minutes in at the park my brother informs me that he left something at home and needed it now. So instead of walking 15 minutes home and back I borrowed my friends bike. 5 minute bike ride home and 5 minutes back. One of my close friends who was 11 at the time agreed to watch my brother. Was back within 10 minutes. Somehow my mother found this out and was irate. So irate that she put me back in daycare for being "irresponsible" seriously! She was perfectly fine with me watching him all summer long at age 12, but gosh forbid my friend watches him for 10 whole minutes. I think the worst part is that I simply didnt undestand why she was so mad, she also didnt give me a chanve to explain. I made one mistake and it was the end of the world. Meanwhile my 15 year old sister was out making all the mistakes and having the freedom of an adult. Drinking, stealing getting into all the trouble that a teenager could get into. But I was the irresponsible one that summer. "Insert eye roll" looking back I had mix feelings, why did i do it? Obviously it was my fault right, I messed up. I put so much critism on myself for that one mistake that it changed my whole additude. That was the moment when I started over thinking and making sure I always got permission and approval. Obviously now I look back and know that I was not in the wrong. I did the best I could at that point in my life. Being responsible for another human being at age 12 is a lot of responsibility and pressure. It's funny how one moment in life can change your whole perspective.

We often ask ourselves, how do I know who is the toxic person in my life? Wanna find out? It's simple when written out. Not so simple to actually do, I mean it took me years to figure out that the toxic person in my life was my mother. Here's how I found out. Ready?

The first thing I did was stop being the reliable source. I simply stopped being the one she leaned on. She had a problem? She would come to me. She needed her taxes done? Yup. Me. Anything and everything she needed I was there. However, she was no where in sight when I needed her! I even took time out of my life to drive 8 hours and help her move from one place to another. In 24 hours my husband and I drove 16 hours and moved her stuff. Practically for free. Whenever we had a conversation it surounded her issues and how horrible and lazy my husband was. This coming from a women who never worked at a relationship and stayed with abusive men. Funny eh? The moment I started focusing on myself and my relationship with the love of my life, everything changed. We became the "bad" guys.

Aside from her depending on me for everything, once I realized she was the toxic one I had to identify why she was toxic to me.

This is the second step. So lets evaluate. How was my own mother toxic to me? I reflcted back to my childhood. There were so many signs and so many heart breaks that I saw looking back. I ignored them when I was a teenager. For one I was more responsible than she was. Almost every weekend I would watch my little brother while she went to her abusive boyfriends house and my sister went out partying. I worked to buy myself clothes, while she spent $300 on my sister to bribe her to stay in school. Yes. This happened in real life. I mean when your kid doesnt go to school why not buy her expensive outfits? Makes sense. If the kitchen wasn't clean, I heard the majority of it. Wanna know why? Because I was the one home all the time. So its my responsibility right? Again. Makes sense to put the household responsibilities on your 15 year daughter. Right? Their are so many other reasons that I found where her actions affected my life and future choices.

So what did I do? I did the third step. I cut her out of my life. I blocked her phone numbers. I blocked her on all social media. I blocked anyone associated to her. No one was going to tell her my business. She was done. But wait! What happened that tipped me over? Obviously you just dont wake up and decided that your mother will no longer be in your life. Here's the tea.

Two weeks before the end of the month, we have to move. My husband and I agreed that moving with my future Brother in Law would be the best option instead of moving into a bigger place with her. So through out theese two weeks I told my mother that since we are moving on the same day and only habe untill noon to be out that I would not be able to help her. She kept saying "thats fine I have ppl helping me" I heard this for two weeks. Guess what! She didnt have anyone. She lied. Shocker. Fast foward to moving day and she doesnt come home. She doesn't answer her phone. I call her at 9am, 10am, 11am she finally calls me back. "I dont have anyone to help me, can you please help?" I told her no. It was already 1130 and I had already had to call the office for extra time to move out. You know what her response was? F*CK YOU. " loose my number, dont ever call me again" my own mother spoke theese words. I have three kids and could never imagine speaking those words to them. So I hung up the phone and balled my eyes out while my fiance (now husband) held me and comforted me. At this point I had two choices mobe her stuff or get charged for the office to move it. Obviously I didnt want to get charged so we loaded her stuff up and called her numerous times. She never answered. Called again no answer. She moved to an apartment. We unpacked her stuff infront of the outside door. I texted her. "Your stuff is at the front door" fast forward 2 hours later. I get a voicemail. At this point I had already blocked her number. I listen to the voicemail. "All my stuff is ruined you B*tch, I HATE you. Don't ever call me again" Again this is the woman that gave birth to me. I didnt ask to be in this world. She brought me in it. 26 years later and this is how she treated me. In tears I block her on everything, I also blocked my sister on everything. She would just share it with my mother anyways.

Number four, keep them blocked! No matter how many times they say they are sorry. No matter how many voicemails they leave you. Do not unblock. In order for change to actually be made you need to figure out life without them. Clearly they were no good in your life. My mother left 100's of voicemails. Called my work. She literally called my work to say sorry followed by "I need help with my taxes" no joke. She only apoligized so I would help her with her taxes! Its been 7 months of no relationship with her, And I am starting to feel like my happy old silly self. All along I thought I wasnt myself because I was depressed or that I had just lost myself. I was wrong. About 3 month after I cut ties with her I finally got married to the love of my life! I always had doubts about getting married. Those doubts stemmed from her. I ordered my dress got the paper work and rings. Drove 3 hours to get my bestie and got married. No doubts. Just straight love that day! Its so weird how life turns out. How one change can change your whole life. One decision.

Recently she left me a voicemail asking what I needed from her. So she could work on it and change. I thought to myself. Nothing. There isnt nothing that you could do know that could fix this. I needed a mother 15 years ago! You werent there.

I look foward to my life and what the futures days bring. I look foward to seeing myself in the mirror again! I look foward to not seeking your approval!

I look foward to being me.