Dear Mom

Yet again I sit here writing you a letter. That’s what I do best. I write my feelings out. Im watching The rookie. Mothers day special. I sit here crying. I always as myself why do I cry so hard at commercials. Ones of babies and happy mothers. Tv shows of mothers being praised, being celebrated. I have to think to myself Where is mine. To be honest I miss you. Not you but the idea of you. The idea of who you were suppose to be. I know that being a mom is hard. You always said you will never understand till you have your own kids. It’s true. However, What I can never understand is why you robbed yourself of being a mom. Why you robbed your kids of what you could have been. Sure you can tell yourself that you did your best. Yeah you provided a roof, Internet, food and sometimes a shoulder to cry on. What you didn’t provide was a connection, Empathy, A relationship. You moved through motherhood without actually living in it. You did what you though you needed to do to take care of us. The truth is. I just needed you. A happy you. A you that you worked on. The truth is, I’m not mad, or angry at you. I’m sad for you. You missed out on the one true thing. Our childhood. Your ego was so big that you couldn’t see how much pain you were in. Did the system fail you? Yes. Absolutely. Were you taken from your own mother for no reason. Yes. It is not your fault. But you know what it. Not doing anything about it. You ignored it. You ignored you feelings. You got overwhelmed, and decided that because you were nothing like those People that raised you, you were better. But you were wrong. You destroyed me.

You never allowed us kids to have a life with you. Its like you kept us at a distance so it would hurt so bad if something happened to us. You went through the motion of being a mother. You checked off the boxes that you knew you needed to check so we wouldn’t get taken away. That was your biggest fear. Don’t you see, by you giving into your biggest fear, you ended up driving us away. You made your own biggest fear come true. The state didn’t need to take us away. You know its funny, I think about being taken away, and I always come back to this memory. The one where you dropped us off at a house with other kids. God knows w.e it is called. They had clothes and other kids. You told us is was so you can go out with friends for the night. You know what I felt when you left. Alone. I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I hated that weekend, it felt like forever. You brought us there with nothing, then left. My sister didn’t want nothing to do with me. She was too cool. I don’t remember if my brother was even born. I wonder know, was it actually for a night out, or were we in a group home? Is that why we moved shortly after? You know I try to remember my younger childhood. I keep coming up blank. I have this flash of a hallway, carpeted, seemed like a long hallway. Im hold a doll but I can’t move down the hallway. I also have a flash of her dad, trying to teach me how to use that damn hummingbird. Feeling so left out cause it was her gift from her dad. Thats the thing mom, My entire life, yes ENTIRE life I have felt like I am the odd one out. Everyone knew who their dad was, both alcoholics, regardless they new who they were. You made it seem like my dad was such a bad guy. Its not just that, you had lies and secrets, layers that needed to be unfolded. Do you know what it feels like to feel like you don’t belong in your own family? I would assume so considering. So why would you do it to me? Why would you not make the effort to make us a family. We didn’t ask to be born. No, you made that decision when you saw that pregnancy test. Yet you made no effort to actually raise a family. No you raised human beans that hate each-other. You put no emotional effort into it. You robbed me of a family. That hurst the most mom. You took my childhood away from me, just like it was taken away from you. Know I’m stuck here fighting for my family, Fighting to break this cycle. I fight so hard! You have no idea how much of a battle it is. It’s not about buying them the things they want, or the things they need. Its not about providing a roof, or food. Its making memories, ensuring that they know they have each-other, that they can come to either parent no matter what. It’s teaching them life skills, Emotional regulations, Confidence, and how to stand up for yourself.

I guarantee your thinking to yourself “I did that”. No you didn’t. Because if you did, then all your children would not have a thousand mental health issues. What you did do was ignore the issue. Tell us to figure it out. Baby the one that was in the wrong. You made me fight for your love. Something a child should never have to do. So by the ripe age of 12/13 I gave up. I decided I didn’t need nor want you. Sure I had times where I thought “maybe we could work it out, Maybe we could build our relationship” but as the years went on, it was proven that, that was never going to happen. By 16 you had let me down so many times. So many. Do you know how much it hurt that when she got so bad, you suggestion was for me to move out and not put her in a group home? Again you wanted me to move away from the situation not her! Because you couldn’t bare to separate yourself from her. Even though you two just enable one another, still do. You should have put her in a group home with councillors. Yet, again your ego was to big to admit that you could not handle her by yourself. So you put her first. Again, and again, and again. Then one day I guess you got so fed up with trying to be a parent, you just stopped. You decided that an abusive relationship was showing you more love than your own kids. That we were ungrateful. We weren’t. We were just giving what we recieved. Everything just got so out of hand so fast. Abuse, after abuse, after abuse. Yet you did nothing, Nothing but make excuses for the man that put his hand on your kids. Not one apology that came from your mouth was serious. Then you had the audacity to judge the father of my kids. I don’t say this all to bring up old wounds. I say this all because I want you to know the damage you did to use. The damage that you don’t think happened. But it did.

Now I have to fight for myself, for my marriage, for my kids. I have to put in 10x’s the amount of work you ever did. All because you couldn’t own up to your own damn feelings. All because you wouldn’t go get help. You refused to believe that therapy would help, You refused to believe that you were wrong. The damage you did to me mom, it hurts. It hurst so bad and now I have to fix it, not you, me. You still to this day don’t own up to your mistakes. It not all about the abuse I saw as a teenager, It’s about you.

Did you know that I went my entire life wondering if I was adopted? I felt so out of place in our family, OUR family, the one you created! So out of place the thought of me being adopted was logical. Even as a teenager I had to fight for myself. I had to work to provide for myself. Honestly, Im just so over having to explain myself to you. All I want from you is to own up to the fact that you were NEVER there for me. I lived with you my whole life yet felt so abandoned by you. Every-time you have tried to talk to me, Tried to call and solve our problems,I have told you the same thing. I want you to own up to everything. I want you to go to a therapist and get real help. Every time you tell me - I did the best I could with what I had, and I have nothing to apologize for. Typical, Narcississit.

Im not sure how many “letters” I will need to write to you before I Feel healed. I don’t think any number of letters will fully heal me. I just want you to know that you ruined me. You also robbed me of a mother. At you own demise. I hope you know that, and if you don’t know I hope you come to realize that before you time. I know it’s hard to break the cycle, believe me, But at least I am trying! I am reaching out for help. I will not let the past trauma of you ruin my family too.